I’ve just read an article that states bullying in the work place is more common than sexual harassment with almost no legal protection. Of course this prompted me to write a guide because I like writing guides.

Dealing with a bully at work… the Rambo way!!! Perhaps the Rambo way would be illegal and includes the death sentence or life in prison… unless you could be used by the military for some seedy agenda. Here’s dealing with a bully MY way.

1. A bully loses ammo if you don’t care about their office gossip. Belittle them by saying, “I’m both flattered and saddened that your life has such little substance that you have to pay attention to mine.”
“If you want pictures to go along with the story you’re telling please let me know. I’ll be more than happy to photoshop something for you.”
2. If they treat you like a moron in front of your colleagues merely ask them “Did you get your power fix? Feel better now? If you don’t mind I’m going to go back to focusing on my work.”
OR you can try the following retorts:
“That would actually sting if it were coming from ANYONE who wasn’t you.”
“Your insults are both motivating and inspiring, mind if I borrow them sometime?”
“Great critism, ever think of advancing to middle management?”
And the classic “So’s your face.” (it can be used in ANY situation, even if it doesn’t seem to apply).
3. Threaten not to invite them to your birthday party and mention there will be ponies there. A bully is mortally wounded when they’re not invited to birthday parties with ponies.
4. Act like you think their bully tactics are a come on and you’re completely mortified. In fact, threaten to call HR about this because as you know sexual harassment in the work place will NOT be tolerated.
5. Be frank. Tell them straight out, “Wow, you’re a real ass.” … and then just walk away.

Maybe the bully doesn’t know they’re a bully. Perhaps you should pull them aside and tell them:
“I know you think you’re merely trying to socialize and I understand that you’re not very intelligent. You can’t hold your own in a conversation and you are an idiot when it comes to world events. The only way you can connect with people is by talking about them or being a jackass. I get it. I really do. If you’d like I can see if I can find a book about ‘interacting for dummy’s’ for you, or if you don’t know how to read I can pass out copies of “How to interact with a dummy” for all of us who work with you to avoid hurt feelings that stem by your feeble attempts at communication.” Throw in a “So’s your face” and then walk away.