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Online, You ARE a Brand
This post was originally intended to warn models and other webmasters about a potentially risky producer whose unprofessionalism I encountered yesterday. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized this applies not only in the entertainment industry, but for anyone in any business.
Late last week, I was approached on MySpace by a gentleman who used a mutual acquaintance as a reference to see if I would be interested in being part of a “reality web project.” He then sent me a friend add request on both MySpace and Facebook. I accepted both requests.
In the course of the week that followed, I heard from another model who had been asked the same thing. While I hadn’t had the time to chat with this gentleman yet, she had, and had elected not to work on the project due to the nature of the scene. Having been burned once before by not asking enough questions prior to accepting a booking, and not wanting to go on hearsay alone, I called the producer. During the conversation, he made it clear that the site was going to feature men who would be making fun of BBWs for their size and calling them names. While I have done one or two scenes like that, the producer made it clear that even after the scene was over, the intent of the site was to make fun of BBWs including the use of derogatory words. I politely declined his offer.
Later, I noticed that his Facebook bio mentioned that a strength of a person should not be judged by who he cuts down. I suggested to him that this was hypocritical of him since he was trying to profit off of the creation of a site that demeaned and worked on destroying BBWs’ self-esteem, rather than showcasing their appeal to the audience and market for which he was creating the site.
This was the resulting message that I received:
“It’s called “self-esteem, you c*nt. I was giving you an opportunity that the rest of society has not.” (<---I have altered the offending word)
and
“I can easily hire you through someone else and create a scenario that would have serious ramifications.”
After thanking him for “putting (his) idle threat in such a way that I now have a written record,” I wondered how many other women he had threatened. I contacted the person whose name he had dropped when contacting me, to let her know of my experience with him. It’s too bad, really, since this person’s other businesses include a site for dads – it’s disheartening to think that he may be preaching hatred and discrimination to others, including his own children, especially since he is a minority and a father himself.
Some opinions about this entire experience:
(1) I am choosy about what scenes I do, and don’t do. That is my prerogative as a performer. If you are a performer who is OK with doing certain scenes, then by all means, do them! Every performer should have a list of limits. It’s for your own safety and sanity.
(2) Don’t be persuaded to do scenes you wouldn’t normally do regardless of what you are offered financially. This applies in non-performance work as well – don’t do things just because you are being paid to do it. Nine times out of ten, you’ll regret having done them, and in this day and age, there’s a record of everything online.
(3) Think. Think carefully. Take your time with each and every decision you make in life, business, family, friends. Remember this:
EVERYTHING you do becomes your brand.
If you want to be known as a performer who’ll do anything and everything, including being demeaned, then that’s your brand. If you’re ok with that, then, “hooray!” However, if you are NOT… don’t. That one quick decision to do something just because the money was good will be your cross to bear for the rest of your career.
(4) Be willing and able to back any decision up with logic. No one can win an argument with you if you have a logical explanation as to your choices.
(5) Before you write ANYTHING online, offline, snail mail or text – THINK. A written record WILL hold up in court. Refer back to (3).
(6) Understand the market and community into which you are trying to market or recruit. If a community is well-connected (such as the BBW niche adult market), and you are an outsider, then take the time to understand how that community works. It’s a failing game if you think you can apply your negative values to a community that sticks together and hope that you can monetize successfully.
(7) Understand that models, employees, customers and fans will, if smart, do a background check on you prior to making a buying or hiring decision. If you have a history of being a jerk, then that is available online SOMEWHERE. If you’re a great company, that will be online as well. Don’t be so naive to think that just because the internet is vast that your negative feedback can’t be found. Make sure that what you say and do online (as well as off) reflects who you are. People WILL be checking before making decisions. EXPECT people to ask and check references.
(8) Calling someone a “c*nt” is NEVER a good thing (in my book).
If my exchange with this producer had just ended in him calling me a name, I would have chalked that up to a newbie producer with too big of a fragile go, with no understanding of the niche nor the industry and walked away. However, it was his idle threat that he would try to figure out a way to book me on a shoot that would have “serious ramifications” that made me decide to warn other models as well as other producers and webmasters.
I’m not going to mention his name in this blog. However, I will make his name available to anyone who asks. I’m not saying that people SHOULDN’T work with this man – if the scenes he is producing is OK with you, then who am I to tell you not to do it? However, it is also my responsibility as a perfomer in this industry to make sure that others are warned, especially any ladies who are new to the industry and are either too timid or inexperienced to ask all of the right questions.
I hope that every performer has a great experience on every set they are on. However, I know that this is simply not the case. Communicating with each other is the only way we can all stay informed.
PS. Please feel free to RT this post, share on Facebook, and comment on this post directly. One of the best ways to spread the word is to comment and share 
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by KellyShibari, KellyShibari and KellyShibari, KellyShibari. KellyShibari said: Regarding the threat I received – a blog post: http://hourglass8.com/online-brand/ [...]
[...] RSS feed for updates on this topic.YesÂterÂday, the wonÂderÂful Kelly Shibari posted a very powÂerÂful and imporÂtant mesÂsage on her blog Brains Before Beauty. I thought the mesÂsage of such imporÂtance that I asked for [...]
[...] Online, You ARE a Brand [...]
This is valuable advice to apply anywhere in your life. Every person is their individual brand and everyone else is constantly judging every thing we do in our life. Putting the thought into making prudent choices about what you will and will not do just makes sense in every context.
I say post the guy’s name. He needs to learn two things: 1, don’t threaten a lady; 2, Don’t threaten people who know anyone who knows anyone. “you’ll never work in this town again” is the right response for types like this. He is clearly trying to victimize you and that’s just not ok. You’ve chosen not to be a victim, letting the world know is choosing not to help anyone else be a victim.
Thank you so much for the info and this blog Kelly! It is important for BBW Models to understand how the industry works and to have a little insight. For someone like myself who is still very new in the game your “no nonsense” post was very helpful!
Kisses!
Jade
There are several things I wish to say.
In this day and age, you do not do what this man did for the reasons Kelly has mentioned. There is always a trail.
Respect is the key to all of this. Remember what some of your mother’s said. “You can catch a fly easier with honey than with vinegar.”
Calling someone a c*unt in today’s society makes you a boorish human being. There is never an excuse for it on any level.
Be savvy ladies. Check the people you will work with, make sure they are what you want to be known as in your brand.
James Nealon´s last blog ..Podcast — The Sick Version
If you spoke with him and both of you decided that the project is not for you, shouldn’t it have ended there? Why would you continue to contact him and make ANY negative comment on his Facebook? Isn’t that just asking for a negative feedback?
Nevertheless, however degrading or exploitive the scene calls for… he was upfront with you. Keep that in mind Kelly and stay positive.
Xander/Damon – Thank you so much for stepping forward and showing yourself on my blog.
Yes, we DID have a conversation in which we decided that your project is not the type I wish to be associated with.
You add-requested me on Facebook and MySpace, which I accepted. That opens you up for commentary, be it negative or positive. That is what social networking is all about.
Your decision to call me a “c*nt” and regress into childish threats is why I have alerted other ladies. If you read my post you will notice that I did not discourage anyone from working with you; instead, I warned them that there are people like you out there, whose egos are so fragile that they resort to idle threats of bodily harm should you decide to bruise their ego.
I am indeed staying positive – so much so that other ladies are now informed about people such as yourself.
And Xander/Damon … you were NOT upfront with me. You tried to tell me it was a great project for BBWs and did not divulge that it was a degrading/exploitative site, as you aptly describe it, until I started to ask questions.
If anything, this post will hopefully remind ladies to ask questions BEFORE going to a shoot, and gauge producer personalities and potential risks, before agreeing to anything.
So, he says he is the producer, yet refers to himself in the 3rd person? going solely on what I see, he mislead you at least at first. But, he did open himself up to comments, negative or otherwise. FB and myspace are public forums. If you don’t want people to comment and hurt you little feelings, keep chats private.
This is EXACTLY the type of networking that needs to take place. I have always said there is a niche for EVERYONE… but if it’s not the type of work you can be proud to say you did… WHY DO IT???
I think we all have had some issues with producers… which is why I’m happy to be associated with the producers I am… and steer WELL CLEAR of those that I simply cannot work with. Especially when they start name calling or the child like responses AFTER they have chased you down to work with you.
As always love, you are RIGHT ON POINT! “Left Brain”!
I have to repeat that:
EVERYTHING you do becomes your brand.
This is the most concise formula to nail down a quite multifold and very real effect. I might borrow that if you don’t mind, Kelly.
But to add just one thought: The internet registers anything you go public with. And it can have a very long memory. So when you’re offering services that target an audience, it is very likely that people who consider to work with you will have a look into the value of your ‘brand’ on the internet. Now when you’re a model and you’re getting hired less then before, the reason can be that you are damaged as a brand – because you have appeared in content that didn’t show you in the best light. Even when the company knows that you can do better. What matters is what the average consumers are thinking or assuming of you. When they feel you have appeared as a turn-off, then you might have a problem. Cause they are the ones to spend money.
If i were in business relations with models, i would go further than Kelly. I would clearly advice them to stay away from such a company. The adult business has a long history with such threats being VERY REAL. Thus there is no argument later like “Don’t worry, this was just some random saying”. Whatever the real intention was, the receiver MUST take such a threat very seriously. That’s why i can’t see any excuse .
@panhype – I had to edit your comment to remove the link to the offending party’s website. The last thing I need is to promote someone whose business model nor personal discriminatory practices I do not agree with
If you do a little more researching, you’ll see that he also owns a site dedicated to fathers. It was actually that which led me to return his request for a phone call, since I assumed (my fault) that someone with a daughter wouldn’t degrade women. It’s doubly disappointing to see that a minority man with a daughter would teach hatred and discrimination. It’s just entirely too hypocritical. I hope that his daughter doesn’t grow up to be like him.
There are a myriad of adult sites on the internet, with varying genres, niches, and scenes. There are also a myriad of ladies, with varying kinks, sexual needs, and limits. I am sure that this producer will find enough ladies to make his site something he can present to the public. However, it appears that his goal in presenting a BBW site which involves degrading them for their size will not be accepted well within the BBW community and for FAs.
It’s his right to create any sort of site he wishes. It’s also his right to create a site that probably will only cater to fragile-ego’d men who can only get aroused if they see women being degraded and demeaned. However, to call me derogatory names when speaking to me is unacceptable – and so it is also my right to alert ladies about this poor excuse for a father and man.
Kelly, thank you for sharing this information on your website. I am currently revising on changing my brand and image. I recently had a situation close to this. This guy offered a magazine shoot for a very prestigious company. He left me a message on my comment section on Myspace. I am a newbie in my modeling career; however I do my research for companies, websites and magazines. This guy was a hoax. To make a long story short, he wanted to have sex for the “magazine shoot.†I advised him “business is businessâ€, he told me he will call me back and I have not heard from him since last Wednesday. I think it is sad to mislead women for sex or other activities. All women need to do their research.
@DeDe – Thank you SO much for sharing your story! There are a lot of producers who use this tactic, unfortunately. I even know of girls who have actually HAD sex with a producer, and still didn’t get called back – the use of getting free sex as a way to get work is low, unprofessional, and shallow. And moreover, opening yourself up to untested talent is never a good idea anyway
Sticking to your guns may not get you every shoot, but when you look back, at least you won’t have any regrets. Kudos to you!
I read this the day of the aforementioned incident. I am reminded of a section in this book called “Groundswell” where the subject of branding was explored. Specifically, who determines what your brand means? You or the customer? Although most companies or people would like to think that they define their brand, the truth is the consumer often decides what your brand really is.
Getting back to this person. His actions to Kelly gave a clear picture to what kind of person she was really dealing with, despite his initial communication. Plus, his reputation was reinforced by the refusal of another model to work with him. He may think that the measure of a person can’t be measured by who he cuts down but that’s EXACTLY how he will be measured. Plus in the online world the word (good or bad) spreads extremely quickly and it can be out of your control whether you like it or not.
Basically, he’s branded as a dick. So let it be written. So let it be done.
*Drops the mic*
I have a bad habit to disagree, but this time, I agree with some of the information presented.