The Don’t-Talk Clause
I left my small-town home because I was sick of the stupid social rules that develop in a compressed community environment. Oh, la, and then I became a Christian. My first church did not like me. I said exactly what I thought, and if something didn’t line up with the Bible, I wanted to know why they’d do that, when they’re supposed to be Christians and know this stuff.
The “don’t-talk†rule is a key component of unhealthy communities. And we can’t just blame churches. They’re not responsible for everything, whether by omission or commission. The body of Christ is supposed to exist for the building up of people who believe in Jesus, and I really think that dumping the world’s ills at the church’s door is in large part responsible for weakening the church (I’m talking about the real church of people who actually have a relationship with Jesus, not the buildings or organizations which house people who often have only religious practices).
I have currently decided to flaunt the “don’t-talk†rule among our congregation’s leadership, ironically, by not talking. In an abuse cycle, what happens is, the abuse occurs. Then a variety of strategies are employed to keep the abused person(s) in the sick system. Shame-and-blame is one of them–making the victim the problem. Minimization is another. Churches are often infected with a very subtle level of psychological abuse which sets unrealistic, arbitrary demands on people, then punishes them for not living up. That has been the case with our leadership, but the rest of the congregation is completely unaware.
Yes. Completely unaware.
How can this happen? It’s the minimization strategy. Horrible things may be said at a leadership meeting–for example, about a year ago, my husband’s convictions were pushed to the wall, until he was forced to either resign or compromise his conscience before God. When he tendered his resignation, he was refused and resentfully granted a compromise on methods. He was told, “Now you won’t have to carry out your threat against the board to further your personal agenda.â€
Next Sunday, everyone walks in the door, shakes hands like old friends, and exchanges pleasantries as if no wounds had ever been inflicted.
Minimization is powerful because the people who do speak up are made to look as if they’re rabble-rousing or off their rocker. The perpetrator of the real trouble can sit back and go, “What is your problem? No one else has a problem. Everyone else around here gets along.â€
For my part, I’ve chosen not to speak up at this time. Instead, I’m refusing to shake hands and exchange pleasantries with our local perpetrator. You want “don’t-talk� Okay, I’ll give you don’t-talk. And if anyone asks why I’m not talking to that individual, I’ll be sure to explain the whole sorry mess.
It’s time to break the cycle and heal the sickness. I can feel God waiting in the wings.
