the pathless path

I spend tons of time getting clients to watch their bodies and words. I’ll split the two (see below…).

“Of course I’m noticing what I’m not noticing!”

Your body reacts to everything—good and bad, safe and scary.

I was hanging out with a guy the other day, just yacking, and noticed he was favouring a portion of his back that we think has to do with self-esteem. As I pushed, he said, "My family members do not respect me, and do not respect what I believe."

His solution was to get sad, tense, and to hurt his back, all without knowing, or noticing, what he was doing to himself. But he did not hurt his lower back, which has to do with relationships. He hurt his solar plexus back area (mid-back.) His issue, which was confirmed as he talked, was this: it was about how he saw himself—his self love and self respect. How others saw him was not the issue.

I didn’t give him any hints. He came up with what was up, all by himself. (This is, of course, not the same as being ready to deal with his self-esteem issues.)

So, when you feel pain in your body, ask yourself what is going on. Where are your sticking points? What situation, or which person, pops into mind? What do you believe about that person or situation? Now, stop, and ask yourself, "If I drop the belief that the other person is doing something to me, what am I doing to myself?

The other way stuff comes out is through speech—through what you say. Freudian slips are real. Often, when I point one out to a client, they want to take it back—"I didn’t mean to say that!" In a sense, they are right. They didn’t mean for the words to come out.

The words, however, are dead on.

"My mom is so cool,
she wins prizes!"

One of the strongest ideologies is the relational one. In other words, we have strong beliefs about what "mothers, fathers, kids, spouses (or any other role-name) " should do or be. (More on should in a moment.)

Example: I recognize that about the only time I call Darbella "my wife" is if I am introducing her to someone. I then call her Dar. I choose, consciously, to see her as a person, not a role. Most toss in the role, and behind the role is a long, long list of expected behaviours.

Listen to see how often you’re putting people into boxes (racial, religious, political, role, etc.) and as you notice, ask yourself why you’re doing that. How does it help you to box individuals into groups, and to have global beliefs about those groups? Can you see how such an approach precludes thinking?

Correct yourself. "My wife" becomes Darbella. 100% of the time.

Monitor how often you say or think "should." Or "always." Or "never."

"ALL my friends think just like me!!!"

Any form of absolute is absolutely ideology based. It falls under the category of "Everyone knows…" The everyone is the poster boy or girl for the ideology being expressed.

The beginning of freedom is to simply notice this usage.

As soon as you say, "Everyone…" stop yourself and say "I."

When you say, "You never…" stop and say, "It seems to me…"

When you say, You always…, stop and say "The story I am telling myself…"

If you universalize and claim the authority of "everyone," you are wimping out, making yourself one of the crowd, and absolving yourself from the responsibility for choosing your beliefs.

Notice that the more dramatic the ideology, the harder it is to own it.Question everything, and when you decide (as opposed to swallow whole) anything, own it, using the pronoun "I."

This one can be difficult. We’re back to monitoring… body and mouth, usually, and also your interior talk.

The first lesson is the difference between descriptors and judgments.

“Split personality”

Modern Art is a descriptor. Ugly, meaningless art is an ideological judgment. The first is a simple category. The second is not true! It is a personal opinion, likely based upon an ideology.

As you begin to notice your use of judgmental language, disguised as a descriptor, you’ll identify the ideologies you hold dear.

This is not to get you to change (although that likely would be good…) but to break your addicted connection to mindless ideological belief mongering.

Own who you are, again, using "I language."

So, how does this week’s article sit with you? What questions do you have? Click here to go to the online article, and leave a comment or question!