A New Series—The Body Speaks

(In the first in this series of arti­cles, I pro­vided you with a handy lit­tle chart that pro­vides the loca­tion, descrip­tion, and char­ac­ter­is­tics of the Chakras. Use the link if you want to refer to it.)

It’s all about Relating

Dar­bella and I were hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion about rela­tion­ships with friends yes­ter­day, and I was intrigued as we talked, as much of what is in this arti­cle got cov­ered as we talked.

Lower Dan Tien, a.k.a. the Sec­ond Chakra

This morn­ing, an image popped into my head, of the Lower Dan Tien—the spot 2 inches below the navel, which is also the 2^nd Chakra. I thought, “This spot is so cen­tral, so “core†to us, and this region is so ignored.â€

I thought about the three aspects that are impor­tant about this region, and that led me to sub-divide the 2^nd Chakra article—into three inter­re­lated top­ics: 1) Relat­ing, 2) Pas­sion for Life, 3) Sex­ual Pas­sion (and sacred sex­u­al­ity.)

Here’s how this “looksâ€: The entire region (the lower belly around to the lower back) is broadly defined as the “Rela­tion­ships Region,†and that’s where we’ll begin.

Today’s arti­cle will look at relat­ing. I want to spend some time per­suad­ing you that relat­ing is “all about totally own­ing your per­spec­tive on things.†In other words, we’ll explore your rela­tion­ship with how you relate.

The region also has a dis­tinct front / back com­po­nent. The front pelvis and lower belly is about sex­u­al­ity and sex­ual pas­sion /energy, and the lower back, from the waist down, is about pas­sion for life. This front / back pair will be cov­ered sep­a­rately in the next two arti­cles. The same rule applies—we’ll look at how you relate to your sex­u­al­ity and how you relate to your pas­sion for life.

Relat­ing With Others—The Dance of Relating

Devel­op­men­tally, the first thing a baby “does†is ground her­self—we cov­ered this last arti­cle. In the con­text of human devel­op­ment, the first “eye opener†is real­iz­ing you are on the out­side of mom, and that now, you need exter­nals (food, shel­ter, dia­pers…) to survive.

Once this real­iza­tion of “base­line exis­tence†is inter­nal­ized, relationship-building begins. This starts a few months after birth, because ini­tially, babies are quasi-autistic and still enmeshed with mom.

Build­ing rela­tion­ship means that the infant begins the project of “me / not me,†which is the basis of sur­vival, dif­fer­en­ti­a­tion, and start­ing the next step (the func­tion of the third chakra,): the devel­op­ment of a self / ego.

Ini­tially, Relat­ing = Socialization

Notice the above descrip­tion. As the infant begins the dif­fer­en­ti­a­tion (me / not me) process, she dis­cov­ers the expec­ta­tions of oth­ers. (Remem­ber, it took her a cou­ple of months to real­ize that there actu­ally are others.)

The first learn­ing is this:
in order to get what I want, I have to do what the “big peo­ple†want me to do. Thus, rela­tion­ship seems to be about “behav­ing†and being rewarded.

For exam­ple, “Susie†may cry. In rushes mommy with a breast or bot­tle. If Susie fusses while feed­ing, mommy may become cross, take the food away, or emo­tion­ally “cut off†her child, so Susie learns to be “happy-actingâ€â€”her needs are more eas­ily met if she does what mommy wants.

Now, remem­ber, we end­lessly say that infants and chil­dren have noth­ing to com­pare their learn­ings to. So Susie is not suck­ing away and think­ing, “Boy, is my mommy neu­rotic. Look at what a girl has to do to get her tummy filled!†No, she’s learn­ing to “relate†by look­ing out­side to see how “mommy†is, mod­i­fy­ing her behav­iour to make mommy happy, and learn­ing that the only way to get fully fed is to manip­u­late oth­ers and the situation.

We call this inner/outer confusion.

Sadly, most adults will read the above and think that’s how one relates. You ask, demand, cajole oth­ers into giv­ing you what you want.

And, you toss in the “Kre­skin†(mind read­ing) part. “Mommy†was pretty good at meet­ing your unspo­ken needs (you squawked a bit and a bot­tle or boob appeared… like magic), so you may still think that if some­one loves you, they “ought to†be able to read your mind. Or, that you “ought to†be able to state your need or desire one time, and get your way from that point on.

Let me unpack. Inner / outer con­fu­sion is this:
I think about or want some­thing, and I expect the exter­nal world to pro­vide it. I’m not happy, and you should change things or your­self, so I can be happy.
Or, “Can’t you see how hard I am try­ing to make you happy, so that you’ll “feed me†what I want?â€

Dys­func­tional rela­tion­ships are caused by cling­ing to infan­tile ways of relat­ing. Every time I see a cou­ple play­ing this “exter­nals caused what I feel / exter­nals should be dif­fer­ent†game, I see three-year-olds fight­ing in a sandbox.

Sta­bil­ity comes from authen­tic relating

What I want you to under­stand is that the sta­bil­ity we are talk­ing about could also be described as accep­tance. Sim­ply put: I accept that the way I am, is the way I am, right now. If I want a dif­fer­ent expe­ri­ence, I accept the respon­si­bil­ity for cre­at­ing it…through the way I choose to relate with others.

Vibrant Relat­ing comes from Self-acceptance and Self responsibility

From a Bud­dhist per­spec­tive, the unsat­is­fac­tori­ness of life is due to cling­ing—and what we cling to is an atti­tude, belief or object. We want more, more, more of what we like, and less, less, less of what we don’t.

We spend our entire exis­tence wish­ing for what isn’t—wishing that we could con­trol the flow of our expe­ri­ence by demand­ing that things (and oth­ers) become, and then
stay, for­ever,
the way we want them to be.

I’m work­ing on a new book by Mark Epstein, called “Going to Pieces With­out Falling Apart.†Let me toss out a quote.

And let’s face it, the attrac­tion / repul­sion we feel for our pas­sion, for peo­ple we want inti­macy with, and for our sex­u­al­ity is per­fectly described in this quote. Instead of accep­tance, we engage in an end­less dance of grasp­ing onto and push­ing away.

Relat­ing is an action

Removes Sta­tic Things

So, how do we get into trouble?

We get into trou­ble by con­fus­ing how we relate (an action) with hav­ing a “rela­tion­ship†(a sta­tic thing.)

Exam­ple: Mark and Sally come in for ther­apy and to want to talk about “the relationship.â€

I look at them and put a quizzi­cal look on my face. I say, “Rela­tion­ship? I don’t see a rela­tion­ship. I do see Mark and Sally engag­ing, or relat­ing with each other. We can’t talk about your rela­tion­ship as if it’s sep­a­rate from how each of you relates to the other.â€

Thus, the rela­tion­ship chakra is about how you enact your life, as you relate to what is around you.

What is your behav­ior, how do you relate, to your near­est and dearest?

The use­ful approach is to let go of cling­ing to labels, hav­ing judge­ments, and demand­ing that oth­ers change so that you can be happy. You own your expe­ri­ence, your feel­ings, and your actions. You see each thought and action as it is—a moment and a behav­ior in the here and now.

Here are some ways to enact this as you relate:

Express Your Stuff–Don’t Stuff it

“Lis­ten, sonny, the next time you’re angry, shove it in here!â€

It all starts with express­ing your feel­ings and emo­tions. Fully.

When you were a tyke, you squawked and in rushed the big peo­ple, and made it all better.

As time went by, mom and dad trained you not to be annoy­ing by get­ting you to shut up. They taught you to jus­tify (and you sel­dom could) and stuff your emotions.

Since child­hood, your emo­tions have been inter­nal­ized. They feel like pain and pres­sure, and you still want some­one to rush in and res­cue you from them, prefer­ably with­out you hav­ing to say a word.

Grow up and get over it.

Your emo­tions are real, are yours, and are self-created. They need to be owned, (“I am anger­ing myselfâ€) and safely expressed.

Once again, I rec­om­mend you buy “Anger, Bound­aries, and Safety,†and learn to let your emo­tions out safely and thoroughly.

Use “I†Language—All The Time!

“Of course I’m being respon­si­ble! I’m respon­si­ble for point­ing out how it’s all your fault!â€

The bane of suc­cess­ful relat­ing is the pro­noun “youâ€â€”with or with­out the finger-pointing. Many are the jus­ti­fi­ca­tions: “Nor­mally I’d use “I lan­guage,†but this time you really went too far, and you’re ruin­ing my … my… tran­quil­ity! Change! Now!â€

The only use of “you†is for report­ing an observation—

“I notice you got home at 7pm four times this week.â€

Then, it’s all “I languageâ€â€”

“I notice that I am con­cern­ing myself, and I am mak­ing myself angry, because I am choos­ing to feel iso­lated and alone. Here is what I would like to do differently…â€

All you can ever report on is your inter­nal expe­ri­ence of what you think is hap­pen­ing. It’s not true, it’s not real. A friend, after return­ing from a Haven Come Alive, pref­aced her remarks, “So, the story I am telling myself…â€

You must adopt “I†lan­guage, all the time, no mat­ter what, no mat­ter how hard-done-by you are mak­ing your­self feel.

Work on Each Other

Check out the Body­work sec­tion of our site, or take a Haven course, or come here, and learn to breathe together, and to do effec­tive Body­work on each other.

I find that, when I sim­ply pay atten­tion to Dar­bella, I can “see†her hold­ing pat­terns. We’ve made a “deal†with each other. When we see a hold­ing pat­tern, we have auto­matic and uni­ver­sal per­mis­sion to reach out and apply Body­work pres­sure, while say­ing “Breathe! Let it out!â€

We do this with each other, all the time. It’s often noisy, teary, and filled with emo­tion. And then, it’s over, and life shifts. The emo­tion is released, and we have danced together. We don’t even have to dis­cuss “what just hap­pened,†because it’s just “stuff that was unstuffed.†No jus­ti­fi­ca­tion, excuses or expla­na­tions required.

End­lessly Let Go

It’s no coin­ci­dence that one of the main “organs†of the belly area is the lower bowel. In Chi­nese med­i­cine, it’s paired with the lung merid­ian, and their job is to get rid of “toxins.â€

Most peo­ple in our cul­ture tend to hold on to their “crap.†Past hurts (sto­ries they tell them­selves, not real…) past dis­ap­point­ments, all kinds of imag­i­nary dra­mas, all are tena­ciously clung to.

And many peo­ple in our cul­ture are constipated—the med­ical ver­sion of hold­ing onto the fes­ter­ing stuff that is bet­ter “dumped.†(Notic­ing the language???)

What do you hold on to? How much crap, old, old stuff, do you har­bour, cling to?

Let it all go. I know. Hard. Until you do it. Then you see, and expe­ri­ence, freedom.

Next week, the sec­ond arti­cle in the sec­ond chakra set!