The bonfire at Rick's Visitation
When it becomes known that I am a funeral director, everyone has a story or questions. This happened to me at church. A friend of our family told us of the brother, Rick’s recent diagnosis with lung cancer. As a church small group we prayed for Rick and healing. In late August, I was telephoned to ask if I would be willing to sit with Rick and his wife, Mary and talk about funerals and options. I agreed to meet and then wondered what I would say as the questions can be difficult as this 51 year old man faced his death. During that discussion, I tried to get to know Rick and Mary and what is important to them and their family. As we talked about funeral options, Rick was very committed to donating his body to medical research. We talked through the process of medical donation. Then, I asked Rick how he wanted to remembered. That is a difficult question and created tears for everyone, including me. Throughout Rick’s comments, he continuously talked about having a bonfire like he created at his home. I asked some questions about his bonfires. As he talked with excitement, he shared that his fires were at least ten foot square in size and the flames were even or higher! We laughed about the heat, the length of time the fires would burn and how all his family would attend just to see what Rick was burning this time! As I understand, he could have more than twenty-five people there to share in Rick’s love of fire! As our conversation came to a close, a some decisions about Rick’s Celebration Of His Life were decided. We would plan a gathering of his family and friends here at the funeral home where we would have a “Star Wars†Christmas tree, his fishing gear, a photo tribute of favorite pictures and several special photos from Rick and Mary’s recent trip to Maui. We would hold a memorial service at Eaglebrook Church – a church that became very important to Rick since his diagnosis. During this service, we would ask a few family members and friends to share about Rick’s life – keeping the service upbeat and personal. Rick would spend some time with Pastor Greg to put everything in place.
Rick’s sister and brother-in-law continued to give our small group updates on his conditions and what “event†this family was doing while Rick was able. We prayed for Rick and Mary. Somehow, I thought Rick would have “the will to live†to make it to his birthday and then Christmas before God called him home. I followed Rick’s journey on his Caring Bridge site and knew he was fighting as hard as he could to keep living, however at the same time, I knew he was ready to die and knew that his Eternal Home was waiting for him. Mary emailed me and told me it she didn’t think Rick would be with us much longer. She wanted to be sure to have Rick’s fingerprints to have some special pieces of jewelry created for the kids. How would she take his thumb prints? What should she do? I offered to go to their home to help with this task. When I arrived at the house, I was unsure of what to say. I was anxious to see Rick again. Before I was able to be with Rick, I was introduced to several of his children and two of his sisters for the first time. I felt like a friend, however, everyone knew I was the funeral director who had talked with Rick creating a bit of awkwardness. I went into the living room, sat beside Rick’s bed and quietly held his hand as I talked to Rick and listened to Mary as she loving comforted him. I quietly took a fingerprint of Rick’s left thumb and before I left, I silently prayed that God would continue to be with Rick as he journeyed through his final days here on earth.
To my surprise, Rick died an hour after I left his home. I was overwhelmed with the news and amazed at how quickly God called Rick to his eternal home. The following day, Rick’s family met with me at the funeral home to finalize the plans we had talked about just a month ago. As we talked about Rick’s wishes, I needed to talk to Rick’s family about what had been going on in my mind. . . . “Bonfires were so important to Rick, how could we have a bonfire at the funeral home? I told myself, that’s crazy, we can’t do that. . . . but then an idea occurred. What if we had a fire bowl outside the front entry? Could we safely do this to honor Rick? We could have a “fire attendant†and maybe roast marshmallows and make S’mores too.†I looked at Mary and said “What do you think of that idea?†Tears immediately filled her eyes showing her emotional “yes, that’s perfect.†I then learned that Rick always built a “kid fire†whenever he had a bonfire. We would create Rick’s Kid Fire outside the funeral home and our group from church would attend the fire. During the gathering of friends and family everyone attending was welcomed by Rick’s Fire. The smiles and comments validated the need to personalize Rick’s gathering. As everyone left the funeral home, they gathered by the fire for a final memory of Rick that evening. People commented about the smell of the fire . . . “It even smells like Rick too!â€
For me as a funeral director, I was honored to serve good friends. It was good to sit with Rick and talk about his wishes. I’m sure he and Mary had lots to talk about after the funeral home. Gathering information in advance was helpful to them as well as me. I truly believe my job is my unique ministry. I will continue to listen to my heart and my mind when an idea arises!
Tim Tarmann
1 Comment
